Ten Reasons Why JAMMF Could Never Be Your Real World Dream Guy

Written by: Nikki Gastineau


If you’ve watched or read Outlander, you might have thought to yourself once or twice that James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser is the perfect man. Maybe you even wished that you had a Jamie of your own or that your significant other was more like Jamie. I have to admit that, at times, Jamie does seem perfect. He’s rugged, brave, honorable, a fierce protector of family and friends, and he’s got some great lines of love in both the show and the books. However, he is very much a man of his time so unless you’re planning to travel back to 1740s Scotland, life with James Fraser in the 21st century is going to be a little unpleasant. Here’s why.

Weird Sleeping Arrangements

You both tested every mattress at the store and Jamie insisted that nothing was as comfortable as down. Your allergist assured you that there isn’t enough antihistamine on the planet to keep you alive for more than two weeks of sleeping on a feather bed, so you compromised and bought memory foam. While you enjoyed the best sleep of your life, Jamie cursed the demon that spawned this ungodly and unnatural material and found rest outside your bedroom door. That’s where he sleeps each night now because it’s comfortable and he can guard against intruders. On a positive note, he occasionally sneaks in to “wake you up” in the morning.


Inordinate Amounts of Money Spent on Weaponry

A night at the local pub typically ends with a fight, and an assault and battery charge. A trip to the grocery store typically ends with a fight, and an assault and battery charge (and no food for dinner). An evening walk typically ends with a fight, and an assault and battery charge. You see where I’m going with this, right? Jamie’s a wonderful, strong man and his natural instinct to protect means that he punches people—a lot and frequently. All of those charges mean court dates. While you’ve convinced Jamie to make fists his weapons of choice, he still carries a dagger in his boot just in case. Each time he goes to court to answer to the latest set of charges, his dagger gets confiscated at the metal detector and, no, the security guard won’t return it at the end of the day. He’s actually created a profitable side gig selling them on eBay but I digress. You’re not sure how much longer you can afford to continue buying authentic daggers so you discreetly replace the current one with a large steak knife. Jamie is not amused.


A Shower? What, Pray Tell, is a Shower?

You have a perfectly fine shower in your home, and you’ve purchased every brand of men’s deodorant sold at your local stores. Jamie refuses to use either. He much prefers bathing in the nearby river, which leaves him smelling exactly like a sweaty man who just bathed in a river; think horses combined with a school bus on a rainy day and a hint of fish. He sees no need for deodorant and wonders angrily why you would want him to smell like musk from a plastic bottle when he has own perfectly fine musk.


He Refuses to Wear Anything Under His Kilt

On second thought, that’s not a problem. Carry on!



He Keeps Throwing Out Your Razors

Shaving your legs has never been a favorite pastime, but you do enjoy the smooth feel of your legs for the first five minutes after you shave them. Guess who doesn’t? That’s right. James Fraser does not appreciate freshly shaved legs. He hates them so much that he has thrown out all of your razors. As a matter of fact, he’s sitting on the front porch right now waiting for the delivery of the Amazon Prime box so that he can intercept your latest shipment. And don’t even get him started on that honeypot business. Wax is for sealing letters and making candles, ye ken?


Always with the Fan

You’re not a fashion icon or a social media celebrity and you have a relatively modest wardrobe. Despite that, you and Jamie can’t come to terms on your love of v-neck shirts. Every time you put one on, he insists that he can see your navel and hands you a fan. You’ve now taken fans to baseball games, neighborhood potlucks, and an incredibly awkward meeting with a realtor (yes that’s correct, a dueling ground is on our wish list). While it’s a bit of a hassle, you have to admit that you’ve never been cooler and you’ve never felt better prepared for those inevitable hot flashes.


That Time at the Casino

Running out of places to take this guy who always seems to find a fight, you decide to book a weekend getaway at a nearby casino. Surely, he could lose himself in a card game or roulette! Everything was going great and you were $500 to the good when someone suggested that you hit up the Blackjack table. Three bloodied security guards later you were both asked to leave the premises and never return. To add insult to injury, they kept your winnings to help cover the broken chairs.


Breakfast is Terrible

Hoping to add variety to his diet, you’ve made an assortment of quiches and baked goods for breakfast. Jamie, ever the gentleman, does eat them but he always follows them with a bowl of parritch. His daily ode to the colon-cleansing properties of the stuff has convinced you that it isn’t worth your time to eat anything else. You realize that you will be eating parritch every day for the rest of your life.

Side note: This is exactly why you need your parritch.





Family Reunions are a Disaster

Family reunions are always fraught with tension and landmines, but never more than when Jamie attends. Last year, he accused your cousin Tina of carrying a bastard child while her husband, John, stood right next to her. You gently reminded Jamie that not all rumors are true (though, admittedly, you did have your suspicions about Tina), but the damage had already been done. John, not exactly a fighting man, overlooked the slight, but there were no more invitations to their house for fondue and board game night.


Distillation and Fermentation

Jamie is less than amused with the modern trend of micro-breweries and distilleries. He can’t fathom why beer would taste of coffee or whisky would taste of cinnamon. He has encountered nothing at the local liquor store that tastes anything like what was produced in Scotland. That’s why you now have a still in your backyard and kettles of fermenting beer in your basement. Your entire house smells of yeast and you tell the neighbors that you’ll have them over soon, whenever Jamie bottles his latest batch of whatever is going on over by the swing set.


Diana Gabaldon made it a little more difficult for every man whose significant other has read Outlander and fantasized about Jamie Fraser. Or did she? I can only speak for myself here, but I think when women say that they want “a Jamie,” they aren't necessarily looking for someone who will bash heads together and literally fight his way through any tough situation. What we really want is the essence of Jamie. We want someone who will see us for who we are, acknowledge and appreciate our talents and passions, and work with us an equal partner in life (that’s right Frank, I’m still looking at you and I think you know why). That really doesn’t sound like too much to ask, does it?

How do you think Jamie would fare in the 21st century? Do you think his 18th century ways would translate well or not?



33 comments

  1. Brilliant and hilarious -- thank you!

    In serious answer to your question, though...one thing I love about Jamie is his adeptness in any situation. He quickly assesses and adapts to his surroundings as necessary, no matter how unfamiliar the territory, and manages to fit in. I suspect that Jamie might not be all that comfortable in the 21st century, but he'd adapt to it admirably without compromising his above-referenced "Jamie-essence."

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    1. Dahlia, thanks for your comments. I think your argument is valid and probably a lot closer to being right than my own. :) Glad you enjoyed the read.

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  2. Seriously? None of these is a deterrent! Long live the King of Men!

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    1. Oh come on Pamela! Not even smelling like the inside of a bus on a rainy day? :)

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    2. You forget, it would so much more fun to teach Jamie what a shower is and how to use it if you gave him personal instructions.

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    3. You forget, it would so much more fun to teach Jamie what a shower is and how to use it if you gave him personal instructions.

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  3. Loved the kilt comment!!! But I disagree. I think Jamie is smart enough to adapt to the 21st century. He may not like it much, just as Claire doesn't much like the 18th. Besides I already don't shave any part of my body, have my own still, and think the scent of horse on a man is really sexy. So if you don't want him, I'll take him. Just as he is.

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    1. I didn't say I didn't want him...maybe just a "Jamie light" version. :)

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  4. Thanks for posting this info. I just want to let you know that I just check out your site and I find it very interesting and informative. I can't wait to read lots of your posts.
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  5. Hilarious! my daughters were like...what's happening with mom??? oh right, must be an Outlander stuff...Great reads

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    1. I get lots of eye rolls from my daughter. Is it the same for you?

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  6. This was great! Thanks for the laughs!

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  7. Great read! I think Jamie would figure it all out and enjoy the 21st century, even if he held certain things in disdain. I also would like a little bit of the 18th in the 21st, to be honest....;-)

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    1. I think you're right Barbara but it's fun to think about the struggle. Oh, now I'm thinking of Jamie on horseback at the Starbuck's drive thru. I should probably go to bed now...to sleep that is.

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  8. Thank You Nikki LOL,I think Jamie would adapt quite quickly & very well,especially if his life depended on it,as it showed us He realised that the beating did not go down with Claire!

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  9. Loved this, and no lass ever complains about her man wearing nothing under his kilt! I don't think Jamie would be truly happy in our time, but I think he would adapt. I think a more rural life would be preferable and I could see him becoming a cardshark on the Pro Poker circuit. I doubt he would be fighting all the time as well. But it would be interesting to see a man of Jamie's education and moral fiber foray into 21st century politics.....our former Laird of Lallybroch and The Fraser, Himself of the Ridge would be a formiddable leader!

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it Terri. Love the idea of the Pro Poker circuit...ya know for a little extra walkin' around money.

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  10. I laughed all the way through. That said, I personally think Jamie has more self-control than you gave him credit for. I also think as the others have commented, that he can adapt well in any situation. I'd take him in a heartbeat, no questions asked!

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  11. A man like Jaime, I'd take him and love him like he is. I'd never have to wonder if he was playing around on me, I'd never have to question his love for me and our family. And quiet frankly I wouldn't mind a few old fashioned "manners" and "respect" in the world.

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  12. Loved this article, laughed all the way through! I think Jamie would keep me laughing with his sense of humor and everything else would be negotiable!

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  13. I don't think you give JAMMF enough credit for his adaptability. After all he fit in well in Paris after growing up in a less sophisticated environment. He is quite savvy that way. I think he would be quite comfortable in and be right at home in a mountain or rural environment. Not everyone in the 21st century lives in a megametropolis. I'll take him if you don't think he fits here.

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    1. I was just having a bit of fun with the character. Since JAMMF isn't real neither of us actually gets to "take him". :)

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  14. LOVED your article and Laughed all the way through, myself! My husband is sitting with his back to me wondering what I'm laughing about, then turns around and starts reading some of it and...there goes the eye rolling! LOL
    I'm with you in that I think it's fairly sure that Jamie would get into a lot of fights, no matter the situation, in this time. Looking at him in the 18th century America, and how he interacted with folk in towns. He did much better in the mountains. But yes, in this century, even the mountains aren't the same. Well, maybe in the Highlands in Scotland they are. Not having had the pleasure of visiting there yet, I wouldn't know.
    But I REALLY love the comment about the kilt! Still trying to get my husband into one! LOL My 10 year old grandson will wear one though! ;)

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    1. For what it's worth my own guy did a fair amount of eye rolling over this one. It's just a bit of fun with some of our favorite characters. Am I right?! I also casually drop the "kilt hint" in my house from time to time. It hasn't happened yet but hope springs eternal...

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  15. LOVED your article...have no idea if Jamie could live in our world now, but I'm fine with going back to HIM...except not sure about no showers..microwaves..maybe just visit him from time to time..maybe in "the morning"? He does know how to wake a woman up the BEST way EVER!!! lol

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    1. Oh Diana thank you for that morning laugh! Now I'm thinking about conjugal visits to the 18th century. :)

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  16. I think Jamie would do just fine in today's world,once he adjusted to it that is. I always viewed him as a diplomat and a reluctant warrior but a highly skilled lover, aye? Strong, tender,and fiercely loyal to those who he loves; I would follow him anywhere, in any time.

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  17. I have a real problem with the bathing parts of the story. I might learn, if thrown into the 18th or other early century. I don't share Diana's appreciation for sensory acuity. I imagine asking Jamie to kindly bathe before taking me to bed, not to sleep! Perhaps it's my age, but I happen to like musk from a bottle over the musk of a human of any sex! Forgive me, but I often imagine what Jamie might smell like and the only word that comes to mind is "reeks" to borrow from herself's vocabulary.
    Enjoyed your post, I get eyerolls from neighbors when every conversation gets turned into an Outlander reference. I don't understand why or how I morphed into a Cracklander. I NEVER read a book more than once, exception b4 Outlander was Forever Amber which I read twice. Currently on the 3rd reading of Voyager within a year! I have a poster sized picture of Sam as Jamie hanging in the entrance to my apartment. My bedroom boasts maps of Scotland and Outlander sites. Like Jamie asks Claire is this unusual?
    Having just learned that GoT is ending next year, I need to believe Outlander will continue through to its end. Perhaps by then my olfactory receptors won't be offended by Jamie's lack of hygiene.😌😩

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